Someone asked me one time what it's like to be me. I didn't really have an answer. I mean who thinks about what's to be like themselves. It just is, you are what you are, no one really thinks about it, not really. But what if we did? What is it like to be me? I've sat and thought about this for many hours. Honestly I really don't have an answer yet. I think the reason it is so hard to explain what it is to be yourself is because we have never been anyone else. We don't have anything to compare it too. How could we? So I thought Id just kind of reflect.
I think the most obvious is, I am always tired. Almost always. Until it's time for bed. I can lay in bed, restless, staring at the clock for hours, but I could fall asleep standing in line at the grocery store. And I almost have.
When you are this kind of tired you begin to realize how much energy your body needs just to do the simplest of things. Imagine the days you wake up and think "I'm not doing anything today", the days you don't even turn on the TV because it means rolling over to find the remote, and push the button. Imagine the days you are so hungover that your perfectly willing to just post a bucket next to the bed, except the night before you didn't even bother showering much less going out to party.
Now imagine doing that everyday.
This didn't start with gastroparesis. In fact I think this may actually be my longest symptom. After as many doctor and hospital visits I've had, answering all the questions over and over again, I have learned a lot about my body. Ive begun to realize that maybe the rest of the world actually doesn't feel this way all the time.
Starbucks has always been my Godsend. I can outdrink any caffeine fiend on any given day. For years I've gone on and off caffeine due to doctors orders to lower my heart rates. Occasionally my 'in office' (sitting) rates will be 90 when off my beloved Starbucks. It would be exciting for about a day until I realized, uhm no, give me coffee and no one gets hurt. I drink coffee. Everyday. A lot of it. Oddly my stomach can handle it. And very occasionally I may notice a slight difference in my heart rate, but not any difference I can't triple by just changing my body position. I drink coffee, I think I'll always drink coffee.
I'm not lazy. Okay, I am lazy. However I am not as lazy as I appear. I sit down everywhere. Mostly on the floor. I recline in every chair. I have to put my feet up. I adjust in my seat a lot. Like a lot. Once I started really listen to my body I am understanding more and more why I do this. I'm restless, and it feels better lounging. Not just 'better', it feels like I can breathe. I'm not as dizzy. I'm not nearly as nauseous. That being said. I really do enjoy laying around on the couch, health related or not. Dizzy.
I think people who have been around me will vouch for my tidbits and comments of spots. "White spots? Your good. Black spots? Hold onto the wall". I've always joked about this, and I think many don't realize how actually serious I am. It's something I learned about my body a long time ago. I'm very good at not falling down. Maybe too good. This might be one 'symptom' that I have ignored too long and one that was joked about too much. In new visits it seems this is related to something.
Long story short. White spots are bad too. Apparently, your not supposed to get floating spots when you move.
Hugs and Love - Jess
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