I think the thing that is most frustrating about being “ill” is the moments I feel good; being too ill to do most things, but well enough to do others. Lets take facebook for example. I can post about the “bad things” going on. I can post all about vomiting, bloating, pain, and dizziness. Then I feel like a whiny baby. Like I’m being a big attention seeking wuss. But if I post something about “good things” I feel fake. Like I must not be sick if I can do this or that or if I can enjoy things like a normal person.
It’s really the one thing that has truly made me understand the complex situation that those with chronic illness or invisible diseases are going through. Honestly it’s hard. I don’t know that I have accepted that perhaps I fall into that category. I’m not sure that anyone realizes how quick any of us can fall into that category.
So what happens when you do end up in that category?
You get scared. You get angry. Maybe you cry. Maybe you laugh. Maybe you realize how blessed you actually are. Maybe you do all of the above.
Every reaction is wrong, and every reaction is right. After chatting and talking with people from an amazing support group I found online I think I have realized that there is one reaction that we all feel. Longing. Longing to be accepted. Longing to be believed. Longing to be left alone. And longing to be held. We all long to feel better, and to find a cure. We long for our new friends to feel well. We long for our family to accept the new us. Because lets face it; we have changed.
Most of all I think we all long to accept ourselves; our old self and our new.
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